Female Sex Addiction

Posted on November 4, 2011 by Lucille

Most of us have heard of sex addiction among males, but did you know many women struggle with sex addiction (sometimes called love addiction)? One article points out that a woman may be addicted to sex if she is having:

All consuming thoughts

Increasingly risky behaviors

A lessening of moral values.

The addiction begins to adversely affect her “real” world.

What are the Causes of Female Sex Addiction?

Often there are abandonment issues.
Traumas (emotionally, physically, relationally, sexually)
Core negative beliefs about self – “No one is going to want me.”

What is Female Sex Addiction?

Sex addiction is not really about the sex.

Sex addiction is really a fear of emotional intimacy.

Sex is used as medicine to take way the panicky feelings a sex addict feels. It’s a way for a woman to feel empowered and comforted. But the sex doesn’t take away the emotional pain for very long. Sex addiction (like all addictions) is really a poor way to numb emotional pain.

Sexual addicts have a lot of ambivalence: There is a craving for closeness and at the same time there is a fear of it. On one hand they seek sexual closeness and they idealize the encounter into an “all good” event, but at the same time it’s scary to get emotionally close to others. The very ones who caused a sexual addict’s core emotional wounds were those closest to her.

What is the Treatment for Female Sex Addiction?

People cannot heal in isolation. They need someone to help unpack the wounds. A wounded woman is “sexualizing” in order not to feel emotional pain.

Women with love and sex addictions need to find a therapist who is comfortable talking about this issue; someone who understands how a person’s brain wiring confuses a desire for emotional closeness with a sexual encounter used to numb her pain. She needs someone who sees her underlying hurts and helps her tell her story.

Long before a woman sexualizes her pain, there was sadness and longing in her life. You can read more here.

*Part of this material taken from the October 13, 2011 episode of New Life Today.

Wired for Intimacy: How pornography hijacks the male brain

Posted on July 3, 2010 by Lucille

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As a counselor who is interested in helping people undo negative patterns of behavior, I’ve researched and written about the circuitry of the brain. Like wagon wheels stuck in a rut, it’s easier to take the well-traveled path. That’s because neurons (brain cells) that fire together, wire together.” Because the brain wires and fires the behaviors we repeat, habits can be hard to break. And this is why I find it so frightening when people resort to pornography as a means to find instant pleasure. Their brains are literally being re-wired.

IVP books recently published an intriguing book Wired for Intimacy by William M. Struthers. Struthers is an associate professor at Wheaton College where he teaches courses on behavioral neuroscience, men and addictions, and the biological base of behavior. Struthers breaks his book down into two main sections: How Pornograpy Works and Healthy Masculinity and Sexuality. He also offers resources for recovery.

Following are some quotes from the book:
“When men realize they have bought a lie and that it has failed to deliver on its promise of intimacy, they become imprisoned by shame.”

“They intuitively know they need true intimacy, but they are incapable of having it when they are in isolation from real relationships with real people.”

(referring to men who are trapped by sexual addiction) “The fixation on sexual gratification becomes so pronounced that they develop tunnel vision in other areas of their lives. Ironically, development of these neglected areas – their personality, spirituality, and creative energies – would help them find a greater sense of accomplishment and meaning in their lives. Because they neglect these other areas, they spiral downward into depression and isolation. Their shame increases and they become frantic, looking for a way out. But all they have is a relationship to porn, which they turn to again and again, only to be continually disappointed. The cyclical nature of this process increases their shame. “

“The more pornography a man views, the less freedom he has over what he thinks and pursues….He consumes an offering of pleasure when his true need is intimacy.”

“Sexually acting out in response to pornography creates sexual associations that are stored as hormonal and neurological habits. These associations are seared into the fabric of the brain…In sexual fantasy, the neurological circuit is replayed, further strengthening it. The result is an increase in autonomic sexual arousal , which requires an outlet.”

People don’t heal all alone, or by reading a book. They heal within safe, authentic relationships. Colorado has lots of options for treatment including Heart to Heart Counseling.

Post-abortion Syndrome

Posted on February 11, 2009 by Lucille

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Jeannette (not her real name) called the crises pregnancy center. Making this phone call wasn’t what she wanted to do but her sister told her how much “post-abortion” counseling would help. Her sister had just completed post-abortion counseling herself.

“You know, I don’t really have time,” Jeanette said. “And I don’t drive at night.”

“Don’t worry,” said the gal on the phone. “We can arrange for to you to carpool with another client.”

“But I don’t really even have the money for this,” Jeannette debated.

“No problem, we’ll put you on scholarship….now let’s get you signed up.”

As part of my clinical training, I worked at a crises pregnancy center and I was trained in post-abortion counseling. This phone call is typical. The woman is reaching out for help, but has so much shame that she doesn’t want to admit what she’s done.

Women who have had an abortion often suffer with Post-abortion Syndrome. It may start immediately after the abortion, or years down the road. Questions haunt the woman: “Was it a boy or a girl?” “How old would she be today?” Sometimes the woman will get pregnant again – counselors call this an “atonement baby.” That’s why you often encounter women who have had multiple abortions. It doesn’t make sense, but in essence she is re-enacting her trauma.

Post-abortion Syndrome victims often deny having abortions due to the shame. Symptoms range from “blue” days every now and then, to self-injurious behavior, eating disorders, and substance abuse. Men too can experience Post-abortion syndrome.

What I didn’t realize before going through my training is that there often is a certain type of person who gets an abortion:

She is shame-based, comes from a rigid family that is more into rules than compassion. This is typically the family that is “closed” – it looks good on the outside but keeps many secrets on the inside.

This is the family where children are pressured to carry on the legacy. Having a baby outside of wedlock certainly doesn’t further the perfect family image, so the pregnant girl is forced to get rid of the problem, despite all consequences to her desires or emotional health.

In families where shame, secrecy, and rigidity are not the norm, a pregnant girl feels safe coming to her parents, even if she is scared and embarrassed. She feels safe allowing others to help her wrestle with lots of options.

If you’ve had an abortion, I encourage you to consider post-abortion counseling.

Typically classes are 8 weeks long. You share your abortion story (this is probably the most difficult part). You talk about families of origin. You talk about secrets and shame. You talk about your dilemma in having no other choice but abortion.

You learn, read, cry, journal, and you get mad. And at the very end you have bonded with the other women in the group. Of course. Because you have all been through the same pain and remorse.

Finally, you write a letter to your baby. And then you (and often the other participants) have some sort of ceremony to mark your children’s lives. It is oh-so-painful.

And then you walk out into the world a new woman. A whole lot lighter and a whole lot more healthy. To hear my friend Tiffany Stuart talk about her experience click here.

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness”

Psalm 30:11