Forgiving the Unforgiveable

Posted on October 5, 2011 by Lucille

I was recently listening to an episode of New Life Today on my iPod. The topic was about forgiveness. Specifically the woman caller wanted to know how she could interact with a father who had walked out on his wife and children many years ago.

Steve Arterburn confirmed to the caller that she had “justifiable resentment.” Because her father truly did something wrong, her friends piled on and told her she had every right to be angry. When you have justifiable resentment, it is more difficult to forgive….people give you a license to carry pain and anger the rest of your life.

Anger is a good thing for a time. It’s the protest saying wrong was done, but eventually forgiveness is what releases those who have been hurt.

Steve told the caller she had a big assignment: She had to forgive the unforgiveable.

Dr. John Townsend and Steve explained a little more about forgiveness:

In forgiving you are canceling a debt. When you don’t forgive you are saying, “You owe me. When you cancel the debt you’re saying, “You don’t owe me anymore.”

Forgiveness is about the past, but reconciliation is about the future. Keep the time sequence separate. You may not be able to reconcile with someone until they own their transgression, but you can always forgive someone.

Some people struggle to forgive because they have a tendency to want what is not yet. They cling to ideals rather than acknowledging what is.

Forgiveness is about what is, not about what should be.

Steve and Dr. Townsend encouraged the caller to cancel the debt. Feel sad and grieve. They told her to watch her father to see if he ever owned his mistakes. If he does, then she can reconcile with him. This is very different from forgiving him.

No one is saying you’ve got to feel close and vulnerable with someone who doesn’t earn it, but you can still honor a parent (as the Bible commands). Honor means you give weight to what is weighty. You honor the fact that he was your father. One way she could do this is by becoming a person beyond anything he could help her become, rather than living a crummy life and blaming him.

You can listen to past podcasts at One Place

*I got this from the September 23, 2011 episode; the last caller.

For more about forgiveness, read Dave Stoop’s book, Forgiving the Unforgiveable and The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”

Posted on November 23, 2008 by Lucille

If you’ve ever listened to New Life radio with Christian counselors - Stephen Arterburn, Henry Cloud, Jill Hubbard, Mylan Yerkovich, John Townsend and Dave Stoop – then you know what great advice they offer to people who are struggling.

You can listen online, or via radio or on podcast. Last year, Stephen Arterburn wrote a great novel with Nancy Rue. Arterburn and Rue blend story and counsel to remind us what it is to truly be forgiven, and what it is to truly forgive. Here is the synopsis as set forth by Barnes and Noble:

“Christian college professor Demitria Costanas had vowed to end her affair with a colleague. But she gives into temptation one last time…and a lurking photographer captures her weakness for all to see. Quite literally, she’s the woman caught in adultery. And almost everyone–herself included–has a stone to throw.

Enter Sullivan Crisp, a decidedly unorthodox psychologist with his own baggage. He’s well-known for his quirky sense of humor and incorporation of “game show” theology into his counseling sessions. And yet there’s something more he offers…hope for a fresh start.

Reluctantly the two of them begin an uplifting, uneven journey filled with healing and grace. By turns funny and touching, this story explores the ways humans hurt each other and deceive themselves. And it shows the endlessly creative means God uses to turn stones of accusation and shame into works of beauty that lead us onto the path of healing.

An auspicious debut for a candid yet tender series about pain, healing, and God’s invitation for second chances.”

This book is for anyone who wonders why they do the things they do (despite foreseeable consequences). It is for anyone who thinks their childhood may hold clues to their current behavior. And it is for those who wonder what happens in counseling.

Ultimately it’s a story of repentance and grace - this is what real Christianity should look like.

Have you read this book? Or others that help you find forgiveness and healing? Please comment.

Five Things Everyone Should Know About Forgiving

Posted on October 9, 2008 by Lucille

Today I received a question from someone who wanted to know if she should forgive her father who molested her.

This is what I said:

It is unfathomable what your father did to you. His behavior has most certainly impacted your life in dramatic ways.

You didn’t say how it stopped. Here is my advice:

Forgiveness should not be the most important thing right now. Instead, you should work on processing your anger and all the ways the abuse impacted you, with a trained counselor, specifically one who specializes in childhood sexual abuse.

I would encourage you to do a lot of reading on the topic of childhood sexual abuse, and even join a support group for survivors. I don’t think you can forgive until you have processed the pain and anger, which stems from his betrayal.

I tend to believe that people can reach a point where they want to begin asking for the ability to forgive, however I don’t think that can come through natural means. I believe it must involve God.

Remember, forgiveness does not mean you say what your father did was okay. It doesn’t even mean you have to speak to him again. Forgiveness should be the goal only because it lets you carry on in your life without un-forgiveness eating away at you.

Other experts would disagree – they would say forgiveness does not always have to be an option or a goal. Lewis Smedes has written a lot on the topic of forgiveness. Here is a short but very helpful article he wrote called, “Five Things Everyone Should Know About Forgiving.” Click Here to read